Authentic Community

Authentic community is the beautiful efficiency of many small and large parts working efficiently and authentically together to produce remarkable results. For instance, a plane is comprised of many intricate parts, large and small, to make the gravity defying feat of flying at high speeds with precision and performance. 

In authentic community, the individual matters. Every person is fulfilled, passionate and necessary as each is functioning according to how they are designed to operate. Something extraordinary beyond the one is manifested from the work of many as each individual operates passionately and purposefully in their personal strengths and abilities. Rather than doing the work defined by the community or their gender, the individual defines their work according to their passions and abilities as it fits in with the vision of the whole. The success and productivity of the whole is exclusively dependent on each individual yet never defined by the one.

Every person belongs and is intricately needed to produce excellent results. Each one like a metal tooth on intricate gears, working succinctly with one another to create a positive energy so attractive others are inspired to participate. Inspiration draws more participants to reach the organizational goals as each operates in their personal strengths. Each is focused on staying in their personal greatness as aligned to the mission at large and in collaboration with others. Comparison and competition are absent as each relish in their personal contribution to developing the end result.

The process becomes the ultimate magical effect only authentic community can produce.

Creativity seeps out of the minds and hearts of each member as it attaches to the vision of something greater than themself yet wholly dependent on the individual. Joy comes in the process of operating in congruence with who one is with what one does, and peace prevails with the profound experience of insightful collaboration. The final result of purposeful, authentic community is experienced with awe and delight. Each observes the ultimate creation and rejoices in their personal contribution and in that of others.

So the process is as important, if not more than the end result. The individual is not compromised for the end result but rather intricately developed and nurtured so as to achieve often a better result than was initially envisioned. Developing authentic community where each enjoys their personal contribution, collaboration with team members, and pursuit of something bigger than themself is pure contentment. Passion, purpose, and personal insight infused with humility and self-love is the fuel of the individual.

Seeking the truth of who one is for the greater benefit of the whole is the focus point for all members when conflict and confusion spins the community. Leaders are responsible to clearly define the mission and accurately know the individual so as to develop authentic community with great results. It is the individual’s job to know thyself and speak their truth to the leaders as to what motivates and de-motivates them. It is their personal responsibility to remain motivated, collaborative, and passionate about their work as aligned to the mission. It is the leader's responsibility to remove barriers and empower the individual to be successful for the benefit of the whole.

When we can integrate the value of the individual with the value of the organization, we can coalesce into one fantastic body. It is then we can achieve greatness, take flight and soar to new heights beyond our wildest imagination. Authentic community is epic. If done well, not only will we fly, but the question passing through all our hearts and minds will be, "What can we create next…together?" The human connection and collaboration often becomes more fulfilling than the end result. For this is a core longing of human hearts - to matter as you truly are, belong to something bigger than yourself, and together create earth-defying results.

Although machines can complement communities, humans and machines lack the ability to create authentic community together. It is the human-to-human connection to think, reason, feel, and depend on other imperfect, intelligent beings that creates the magic. To laugh, comfort, cry, and create, as you collaborate. To fail and find resiliency, to fear loss and recover something greater, to create and design in sync to another living being is a wonder we were made for. Whether in a marriage of two or an organization of thousands, authentic community is the cry of our hearts. We were born for this.

Written by Dr. Jennifer Dean-Hill, DMin, MSW, LICSW

jenniferdeanhill.com

Fight Fair

Written by: Dr. Jennifer Dean-Hill

Politics, religion, and money are the three taboo subjects to discuss at a party.  Reason being? No one thinks critically or fairly about any of those subjects because the passion for their view often replaces all reason.  Richard Paul and Linda Elder, authors of Critical Thinking: Concepts & Tools says, “Fairness implies the treating of all relevant viewpoints alike without reference to one’s own feelings or interest.”  There is something about these three topics that can hijack the best parties because people seem to throw out all critical thinking skills and lose the fairness of considering another’s perspective.

As I write this, the presidential debate is airing and I am reminded of the lack of fairness being displayed by either candidate as they use persuasive tactics to solicit votes from their audience.  It’s as if they have lost all critical thinking skills and the fairness to consider each other’s perspective is of no concern.  I wonder what the debates would be like if each candidate drew on the principles Paul and Elder promotes for critical thinking?  It’s as if character assassinations are the goal of the debates along with confusing the opposing candidate with a flurry of responses, antics, and interruptions that do not create the coveted clarity needed for a fair debate to take place.  When clarity is replaced with confusion…accuracy, precision, depth, relevance, logic and fairness cannot take root. 

Clarity is the fertile soil in which a rich conversation can grow and bloom into something we can all relate and connect with as we enjoy developing our understanding.  Our energies can go into building and developing instead of attacking and defending, as we allow critical thinking to guide our interactions with one another.

For critical thinking to take place, I was reminded of how important it is to have intellectual development and restraint. Elder gained my admiration and respect when she introduced the two word combinations that captivated my attention and peaked my interest: intellectual humility, intellectual courage, intellectual empathy, intellectual autonomy, intellectual integrity, and intellectual perseverance.  Strong words individually but when combined, presented such a powerful way of thinking and interacting.  Again, I cannot help but reference the debates.  I would watch in fascination and admiration if the candidates could reflect intellectual humility, where one doesn’t claim to know more than they know. Or intellectual courage, where one can honestly and openly face and fairly address concerns.  They would inspire me to participate and use my critical thinking skills instead of watching in horror as I cringe at the immature interactions lacking of intellectual substance.  I am confused and bothered by the interactions, and I find myself psychoanalyzing them more than participating in their debate.

Although it is ill-advised to discuss those three taboo party subjects, I find myself secretly longing to participate in a constructive, critical discussion to see if all participants can stay respectful, objective and fair in presenting our perspectives.  Passion can easily dismiss critical thinking skills thus soliciting chaotic, biased communication. The next time you find yourself at a party and those cringe-worthy topics come up, practice trying a little intellectual empathy and intellectual humility to prevent unpleasant outbursts. Then switch the topics as quickly as possible to get back to that neutral ground. Avoiding an unnecessary fight is also fair fighting.

Similar to the three party taboo subjects, it reminds me of the three main subjects couples fight about, providing job security for therapists: money, sex, and in-laws.  Usually one or all of these subjects can bring the fire and passion out in each person that makes a constructive conversation challenging. Sometimes resolution might be more simply resolved with a mediator. 

What would our marriages, families, politics be like if we can fight with more intelligence? We can learn to resolve by using healthy critical thinking skills instead of trying to win an argument or defend our perspective. There is a way to fight fairly. We just have to learn it, then choose it. Applying some intelligence to conflictive topics can get the couple out of egocentric thinking and into respecting each other’s perspectives. But what can be done for our presidential candidates?  That’s above my pay grade.

3 Big Mistakes Women make with Love

Mistake #1- Love Shouldn’t Have to be so Hard, It just is

Love has stages and needs to be cultivated.  To think one stays in love “just because” is as crazy as expecting a tree to grow that you never water!  If you find yourself saying, “I love him, but I’m not IN-LOVE with him”, then you have bought into this consumer mentality.  Begin to see love as a tree that needs to be watered, fertilized, pruned, protected, and enjoyed for it to thrive – so too with love.  Unlike fairytales, “True love” typically does not come with under 20 years of marriage.  So buckle in, and sit tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride but the destination is well worth it if both partners are committed to nurturing their marriage and cultivating their love.

Mistake #2- If He Loved Me, I Wouldn’t Have to Tell Him what I Need

Men are concrete learners and need to be told what you as a woman need.  They are men not women and have a whole different way of behaving, thinking, and needing.  The clearer you are with your man, the more chance of you getting what you need in the relationship.  This is a win/win-he gets to be the hero riding in on his white horse and you get to benefit as the princess getting her needs met.  No amount of love will cause your husband to know your needs without you ever communicating them.  And no amount of loving him will cause him to “see the light” and return the favor.  If you want nurturing and cherishing in the relationship, ask, expect, and require it for thriving in a relationship.  If your man is unresponsive or un-teachable, we have a whole other problem. 

Mistake #3- My Husband Will meet ALL my Needs

There is no man alive able to meet a woman’s every need.  She must get her needs met through other relationships-family, friends, co-workers, moms, wives, herself, and God.  No amount of love, passion, care, or learning will create a man sufficient for a woman’s every need.  If your man is trying to convince you of this, don’t believe him for your sake, and the sake of your marriage.  And if you are trying to create a man capable of this, quit for his sake and your marriage.  This is a trap no one can win in.  Get your other relationships, hobbies, interests, and passions outside of your marriage, and use these to create a thriving self to contribute back into your marriage.  Conversely, keeping yourself so busy so that you cannot invest in your marriage is also toxic to your marriage.

In working with women’s issues for over a decade, I have seen some reoccurring themes women make that invalidates the beauty and strength of a woman, and causes women to become hollowed out, silent, anxious, depressed, and physically ill.  Some of the top mistakes women make are also found in their strengths.  As the saying goes, “your greatest strength is your greatest weakness” and “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”  Let’s learn from our mistakes which is often our strengths misused. 

Keepin’ it real, 

Dr. Jenn